Loss- an article

One way to find out what is troubling someone is to look for the losses that have been incurred. There are obvious losses, such as the loss of a person or object dear to us through death, divorce and separation. There are more subtle losses, for instance the loss of youth (aging), self-esteem or sense of identity. The child starting school gains independence, but in doing so separates from and sacrifices the safety and security of being home with his or her caretaker. As we continue to age we reach a point where we lose our sense of independence and self-reliance, becoming increasingly dependent on others. While children may experience fear, anxiety and rejection in gaining their independence, the elderly may experience fear, anxiety and humiliation in loosing their independence. Other losses which are often overlooked occur when someone severs their relationship with old friends, like alcohol, drugs, coffee and cigarettes. People are often unaware of the intensity and the emotional dependence in a relationship between a person and the external, nonjudgmental, comfort received from various chemicals.

People experience loss in different ways. There is no right or wrong way to deal with loss. There are healthier and less healthy ways to manage a loss. At times of loss we often recall previous losses, which may be of an unrelated type. Often we handle a loss the same way we have dealt with previous loss. For this reason times of great losses provide good opportunities to work through previous unresolved losses. Many people can achieve, in psychotherapy, a great deal of benefit during the 12 weeks following a major loss. When we are in crisis our defenses, which guard us against dealing with our previous unresolved issues, tend to become overwhelmed and less effective. This allows material we have in our subconscious to come to the forefront of our mind.

Dealing with loss can feel overwhelming, but it is important to acknowledge and to accept our losses. Although loss is painful it is essential to growth.

Loss from divorce is often more difficult to cope with than loss through death. With death there is a permanent irreversible loss. Different cultures have different ways of mourning or celebrating death. To some death is an ending, others a beginning. Funerals provide closure to the life of the Person for those who live on.

In divorce the loss is not so clean cut. The loss of the marriage does not necessarily mean the partners are free of each other. The loss of the marriage relationship is often replaced with a different relationship, for example a financial relationship such as the payment of maintenance and/or child support. There is not closure as there is in death of a spouse.

Loss can be confusing. Children of divorced parents carry many burdens and much confusion around the loss of being part of an intact family. Children often feel responsible for the divorce and blame themselves. They hold out hope that the loss can be reversed and their parents will get back together again. When they see their parents acting civil toward each other they often misinterpret that to mean their parents may be getting back together. It is important for there to be closure in divorce for the children.

Loss is change. Although it may be difficult to envision, it can be beneficial to look for how a loss can facilitate positive change such as to expand our independence, provide personal growth, and create new options in our lives. It is helpful to replace the void created by the loss with something else. Recently a client who was going through a "mid-life crisis" complained he felt " stuck" and depressed. He left his job, as a product developer for a marketing company, because he wanted to spend more time raising his three children. Financially this was not a problem. His wife is a successful business executive. We explored the changes in his life over the past several years. He felt he was experiencing low self esteem. We discovered that with the loss of his professional career he was not getting the Positive feedback he needed. In the past his coworkers and boss would tell him what a good job he was doing. He needed this feedback to define his self-worth. He also realized he was suffering the loss of not being a provider for the family's financial security. We spent time coming up with alternative ways in which he could receive the positive external feedback he needs as well as ways of bolstering his internal resources of generating self-esteem. He decided to do volunteer work in the community, for which, in the past, he received Positive feedback. He also turned a hobby, which gave him self satisfaction, into a small business which he could run out of his home and generate some income.

As inevitable as loss is, many people do not know how to respond to another's loss. We see somebody in distress and it makes us uncomfortable. We go over and say "it is going to be all right," "you will be fine," or 11 crying is not going to help," "it is time to stop dwelling on ... 11 Often this makes us feel better, because we felt we helped. Unfortunately, the person who is suffering does not care that you feel better. What is needed is emotional support, understanding and permission to grieve. The best thing a friend can do is to listen. Often a hug can do wonders, too.

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